Life WAS good...

Yesterday, when I walked up to my studio on Chestnut Street in the Marina, I noticed an almost-new air conditioner sitting on the sidewalk in front of the doorway. It was an LG window unit, with a remote control, digital keypad, and a dehumidifier-only function. I was excited, because 1. I like air conditioners and 2. it had a digital display which was cool and 3. it had lights on it which were also cool and 4. it had a dehumidifier function which would be PERFECT in the winter rain and fog and 5. I lent my other air conditioner to my cute next-door neighbor and feel bad about asking for it back now that it's getting hot again. So I picked it up, and Chris and I carried it into the studio to plug it in and see if it worked.

It did! Ice-cold air blew forth from its vents. However, it made a funny buzzing noise. So this afternoon, I lugged it back to my apartment, and excitedly took it apart to figure out what was making the buzzing noise. Turns out, it was just a loose screw, so I tightened it, and I had myself a very nice, almost-new, fully-functional LG air conditioner.

Life was good.

My living room was pretty hot, so I picked the far right window closest to the wall in which to install my new air conditioner. You see, I grew up without air conditioning, so having one as an adult is kind of a big deal to me. It's a total luxury item and makes me feel all uppity and superior to my neighbors who swelter during our September and October Indian summer.

Now, the problem with that far window is the sash cords are broken, and the sash tends to come slamming down unless you have it propped open with a dowel or curtain rod or cheese grater or whatever you can stick under the window so you can get some air. So I carried the air conditioner over to the window, placed it on top of my couch, opened the window, propped it open with my shoulder (which was quite painful) and lifted the air conditioner into place. As I fussed with it, the window dug even more into my shoulder, and the "f" word may or may not have passed through my lips.

Suddenly, without warning, the air conditioner slipped from its position on the windowsill.

I gasped.

It tilted backwards, and I tried to grab it with my sweaty hands, but to no avail...it was gone. As it picked up momentum, it scraped against my left hand, taking off a layer of skin and cutting my wrist. I watched helplessly as it fell three stories to the alleyway below, where it landed with a loud smash, littering the entire roadway and sidewalks with bits of shattered plastic trim and air filter.

My beautiful LG air conditioner was no more.


I stood there, bleeding, in pain, blinking in disbelief at the mess in the middle of the alleyway below. Just a few seconds before, I had been holding an almost-new, perfectly-functioning air conditioner. It had been the Find of Finds, the Awesome Sidewalk Score. And now...it was nothing but a Piece Of Shit.

And then the window came slamming down on my arms.

The tapestry of obscenities I wove, coupled with the loud crash an air conditioner makes when falling 3 stories to its death from a window, brought a few of my neighbors to their windows to see what the ruckus was all about. Defeated by gravity, I went downstairs to clean the mess out of the alleyway. When I got there, some guy was sitting in an SUV blinking at the air conditioner sitting in the middle of the alley. As I walked over to move it, he HONKED AT ME.

Oh. Hell. Motherfucking. No. You. Di'int.

Adrenalin suddenly started coursing through my veins. I was already in a bad mood. My wrist was cut and bleeding. My right shoulder and forearms were bruised. And NOW, this shitstain has the nerve to HONK AT ME? I picked up the air conditioner, which was quite heavy a few minutes before but seemed weightless as I held it over my head with an angry crazed look on my face. The driver of the SUV, now convinced I was going to chuck it through his windshield, hastily abandoned any attempt to pass me, instead quickly opting to throw it in reverse and take another route.

That's right, biatch...next time you'll think twice about rudely honking at a bleeding, pissed-off, slightly-unbalanced crazy gay guy and his destroyed air conditioner! You're not so tough in your GMC Denali now, are you?

I cleaned it all up, leaving no trace except for a divot in the asphalt where the poor LG landed and died. I was devastated. The only thing that made the afternoon better was a well-timed call from Rotten Ryan, not five minutes after this incident, who took pity on me after initially laughing at my misfortune.

That said, my apartment is still hot as balls, and I have to figure out how to dispose of a destroyed air conditioner. :-(