The things I do for my friends.

Okay, so my friend Jon just called me from interstate 65 in Alabama, just south of Birmingham or Montgomery or some place like that. All I know is he was in Alabama, on his way to a client's house.

You see, Jon is an escort, a pretty high-paid one, and he had a question for me. As it turns out, the client was into being humilated and overpowered, and once restrained, told what a loser piece of shit he was. Now, Jon is by nature a really nice guy, and he needed a little guidance on how to be a dominating asshole, and also some advice on what exactly to do to the guy once he got to his house.

So Jon called me, saying if there was anyone with a sick, twisted mind who could come up with good ideas, it was me. I'm flattered, I guess.

After talking with each other for a few minutes, we decided on this. He is going to pose as an undercover Alabama state trooper after hanging out in the guy's house (he's already been paid for this scenario) and "arrest" him. Tie him up after making him take off all his clothes. Then he's gonna put him on the phone with me by holding it up to his ear.

I am going to be detective Todd Marcus from the Montgomery County sherriff's department, telling him he's been very bad, very very bad, and what exactly is going to happen to him in the state pokey. I will describe it in lurid, sexual detail, then I'm going to call him a naughty little sissycunt pussybitch, and to fucking put Jon back on the phone.

After that, Jon is going to help himself to everything in the refrigerator and eat it in front of this tied-up guy, throwing empty cans on the rug, not using a plate, leaving crumbs everywhere (actually, this scenario has already been played out with other escorts...my old roommate used to do that). Then he'll go into the spitting, watersports, light spanking (the guy said no blood, bruises, or scat), and eventually bunkie penetration.

For those of you who don't know what that is, click here.

I also suggested he give him a Dirty Sanchez against his will and yelling, "¡Olé!" but we decided not to do that. I mean, I do have a sense of decency.

He so owes me.