a dirty e-mail

i have no idea who sent this to me, or why for that matter, but i was entertained nonetheless. it's pretty effed-up.

i so love dirty stuff. and i love sharing it.

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My Vagina
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God I love being a lady. My favorite part is my vagina. Mine is incredibly wide and dizzyingly deep. My favorite part about having a vagina is menstruating. Sometimes when I'm putting in my tampon, I look at the little string hanging out and pretend it's a mouse's tail. I run out of the bathroom naked and yell, "Help! Help! There's a mouse in my vagina! This usually gets a big laugh- especially if I'm at the office, or the mall, or on an airplane.

Sometimes I pretend the string is a fuse, and that if I light it a special bomb will go off in my vagina and my period will be over. For any of you who are curious, this is not what happens when you light the string on your tampon. Even if you have soaked the tampon in kerosene overnight. Trust me I've tried it almost a dozen times without success. It does however work when you use a combination of potassium chlorate, table sugar and a small drop of sulfuric acid.

I like to employ my used tampons to make "vampire soup". I got the recipe from 'Martha Stewart's Living'- although I use fresh basil. We bring it down to the homeless shelter and they lap it up! I also serve it at slumber parties when my girlfriends come over to watch 'Angel'. It just makes everything so much more authentic. After that we normally run around the house in our bras and panties and have tickle fights. Then we practice our French kissing on each other.

I don't let any of the girls go down on me during my period. They have to settle for tonguing my brown starfish. But my boyfriend is another story.

I like to keep my boyfriend guessing about when I'm actually on the rag. That way I can act completely irrational whenever I want. He gets mad when he goes down on me and finds out I'm having my period. But he gets me back by coating my vibrator with chopped glass. Ouch!

But in spite of all of the ups and downs, I love being a lady. Recently, I've been trying to get pregnant by stuffing my vagina with sperm I find on the floor of the porno theatre behind my house. Wish me luck, I'll keep you posted.