stupid, stupid, stupid.

untitled, 2004 -- by chad

I am a dumbass.

Plain and simple.

You see, this is the second time I've destroyed some of my cookware because I put some water on the stove to boil so I could make some tea, only to promptly forget about it and burn my pan or kettle. Well, the second time in this apartment, when I lived at the Fillmore Center I burned three kettles.

I discovered Ten Ren Tea while walking through Chinatown a few months ago, and I've almost completely eschewed coffee for their delicious teas. I'll plug it here:

Ten Rea Tea. It's really fucking good. Try some today!

Again, I digress.

Since I destroyed my tea kettle a few weeks ago by burning it for about an hour on my stove (stinking up my apartment in the process), this afternoon I put a pot of water on the stove and turned the [gas] burner on high. You see, I've been making tea in a pyrex measuring cup because I don't have a real tea kettle, but I boil the water in a pan first.

I know, it's really low-rent and ghetto but it works for me.

Anyway, I was tapping away at my computer, answering dozens of e-mails I got since I was gone, and suddenly...I smelled something funny. At the same time, my phone rang (yes, it's turned back on...I threw a huge chunk of cash at Nextel and now they're happy); it was my friend Theron in Cleveland calling. More on that boy a bit later...he definitely made my trip to Cleveland fun.

Me: Hey Theron.
Theron: Hey Chad.
Me: Wait, I think I've burned my pan.
Theron: What??
Theron: (laughing) What the fuck is going on?
Me: It's on fire! (it was...the handle was in flames)
Theron: Huh?
Me: (throwing the pan out the window into the alley pictured above) Out with you! (clangs loudly on the pavement)
Me: God fucking dammit.
Theron: Dude, did you just throw that pan out the fucking window?
Me: Yeah.
Theron: That is so dirty Cleveland of you.

At that moment, I heard a loud "OWAHHH!" come from outside. Seems some guy walking down the alley tried to pick it up and burned his hand.

Dummy. I'm not sure which one of us was more stupid.

Anyway, I'm off to the Angry Chinese Store (my friend Kevin calls it that because of the angry Chinese man behind the counter) in Chinatown to buy a new tea kettle. It's just some junky variety store on Stockton Street that sells stuff like toilet seats, chopsticks, electronic crickets, and other junk. I really want some Ten Ren Tea right now, and I cannot afford to burn another one of my pans. I'm running out.


I edited the stupid sentence after reading the comment from the english professor. Sigh...I'm afraid I'm not very bright. Either that or the burning plastic fumes that were permeating my apartment got into my brain.



At 18:31, Blogger Lucky Pink said...

Nicely put! Now I wish I had my own Ten Rea Tea.

An ex roommate of mine once left a pot of boiling water on the stove to make spaghetti... I was in my room on my computer when the fire alarm started blaring. I opened my door to billows of dark smoke and our apartment reeked for weeks.

At 19:15, Blogger Michael said...

sounds like commie tea to me, you pinko fag!


Oooh, "Common People" just started on the CD player. Love William Shatner! You totally download the entire album, Has Been.


Common People
(featuring Joe Jackson)

She came from Greece. She had a thirst for knowledge.
She studied sculpture at Saint Martin's College.
That's where I--caught her eye.
She told me that her dad was loaded.
I said, in that case I'll have a rum and Coca-Cola.
She said fine, and in thirty seconds time she said...
I wanna live like common people.
I wanna do whatever common people do.
I wanna sleep with common people.
I wanna sleep with common people like you.
Well, what else could I do? I said, I'll see what I can do!

I took her to a supermarket.
I don't know why, but I had to start it somewhere.
So it started there!
I said, pretend you've got no money.
She just laughed and said, oh, you're so funny!
I said, yeah? Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here!
Are you sure you want to live like common people?
You want to see whatever common people see?
You want to sleep with common people?
You want to sleep with common people like me?
But she didn't understand...

...she just smiled and held my hands!
Rent a flat above a shop!
Cut your hair and get a job!
Smoke some fags and play some pool.
Pretend you never went to school.
But still you'll never get it right.
When you're lyin' in bed at night,
Watching roaches climb the wall.
If you call your dad he could stop it all.

You'll never live like common people!
You'll never do whatever common people do!
You'll never fail like common people!
You'll never watch your life slide out of view,
and dance, and drink, and screw!
Because there's nothing else to do!

At 19:18, Blogger Michael said...

Oh, and welcome back. You know...anyway. Yeah. Whatever.

At 19:19, Anonymous Brian said...

All of these Dirty Cleveland teases! We Clevelanders are curious as to what qualifies as "dirty", and if we've ever done it.

At 23:25, Blogger Recycled Soul said...

Welcome back, Chad!

Dirty Cleveland...sounds kinky.

Or is that a whiteboy-trash version of Dirty Vegas?

Oh, and I make tea in a pot, too. who needs tea kettles.

At 00:55, Blogger rich said...

would you like to borrow my "stupid" hat. i have one available next to my "nimrod" "putz" and "idiot" hats.

At 05:36, Anonymous Aaron said...

Oh Honey, you cooked. Hmmmm - we could be brothers, you surely take after my mother.

btw - great photo!

At 06:52, Anonymous Anonymous said...

BTW-great blog-
The english professor in me has to mention that for the phrase

"which one of us was stupider" it should actually be :
"which one of us was more stupid"


At 08:02, Blogger Cement Brunette said...

Dirty Cleveland...is that like a Chicago Hot Plate or a Cleveland Steamer? (choo! choo!)

At 10:13, Anonymous Kent said...

That is some funny shit! I've been visiting your site for quite a while now, and this is the first tiem I actually took the time to comment. It's really nice. You're an awesome storyteller. I had a similar experience once with a microwave and some caramel. Who knew it would burn so fast? My house smelled for days.

At 14:46, Blogger Michael said...

Everyone should have their own English Professor friend. Mine is Melissa, who commented on one of my blogs:

"I have two copyediting corrections, since i'm compulsive:

paragraph3: "So YOU'RE saying you don't know the title." (I made the common mistake of spelling "your")

paragraph7: "you're going TOO far" (I wrote "to" instead of "too")

Someone has to keep us in line.

At 15:58, Blogger Sandi said...

I have an English major, but I no longer feel compelled to correct anyone's writing unless I am specifically asked. It's a losing battle.

Cleveland still there?

And what the hell does one do with an electronic cricket?

I was talkin about that William Shatner thing like gan hour ago.

At 22:54, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chad, love you, always will. Do me a favor; really wish that you wouldn't call yourself stupid of not very bright. I don't know were that comes from, but, please stop. Please.

At 23:41, Blogger Chox said...

Hi anonymous...I think I know who you are though, because if you're who I think you are, you've said that to me before.

When I call myself stupid or not very bright, I only mean it in an endearing way to myself. Yeah, I burn pots. I also bang my head a lot, I fall asleep in my contact lenses, stumble over sidewalk cracks, and stub my toes. When I do that, I tend to say to myself, "Not too bright there, Fox." It doesn't mean I actually think I'm stupid -- I know I'm not.

But you have to admit...burning a pan, catching it on fire, and smoking up your apartment isn't exactly the brightest thing in the world. But you know what? I don't care. I'm human...and I laugh at my own mistakes without beating myself up over them.

Trust me...throwing a flaming pan out of the living room window wasn't exactly my most intelligent moment. But I laughed about it...and if you can't laugh at yourself...then who can?

At 07:03, Anonymous Panzo said...

Me and Miss Significantly Other bought two half-pound bags of loose tea from Ten-Ren whilst in Chinatown over the New Year (the Western New Year, not the Chinese one).

For some reason both fail to develop any flavor. It's the weirdest thing. They both smell great and they develop nice tea color, but no matter how long they sit in my tea-mug-with-built-in-diffuser, they never develop much flavor.

Other teas are fine. Even the Jasmine ball-type - that's tea rolled up with jasmine petals - that needs to fully unroll to develop its flavor.

I think it's a Chinese plot.

Okay, I really don't.

You seem to use bags so this may not apply to you but I'd steer away from the mid-priced Oolong and Ti Kuan Yin teas at Ten-Ren.

At 15:27, Anonymous Matt said...

I laughed so hard I almost wet myself reading this post. I've destroyed a few tea kettles, but never sent a flaming pan out the window. Rock on!


Post a Comment

<< Home

© 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 by Chad Fox. All rights reserved.