mean sleep

untitled, 2004 -- by chad

I'll just come right out and say it, as this is my blog, it's my party, and I'll cry if I want to. You would cry too if it happened to you.

Chris F. (the boyfriend) and I will no longer be speaking, corresponding, or spending any time together. We came to that decision yesterday, shared our last glass of wine in front of a fire in the fireplace, had our last dance together, and parted ways. It's for the best.

Like Cree Summer and Lenny Kravitz sang:

How could the clouds tease us into thinking it might rain?
How could the need deceive us into thinking things might change?
I had a mean sleep over you.
And it hurts, hurts coming back to life.

It began with a smile. It deepened with a kiss. It ended with a tear. And after he left, as the fire faded away, so did my dreams of our future together, until there was nothing left but cold, dark ashes.

And so it goes.

In the meantime, I'm going to dive into my work, writing, photography, and try to mend the friendships I let fall by the wayside in the past year. I'm going to try to make 2005 the year I finally get hit my stride. It's about time, don't you think?

Now I'm heading over to Original Joe's in the Tenderloin right now for a big plate of spaghetti with meat sauce, a big glass of chianti, and a slab of fresh hot bread with lots and lots of butter, and today's San Francisco Chronicle. It's just a low-road joint where where humanity meets, in a dicey part of town. It's just the kind of unpretentious, down-to-earth place this hurting Cleveland boy needs to be right now.

Besides, it gives me an excuse to hang out in one of my favorite neighborhoods in the entire world. Hey...I'm from Cleveland. I love sketchy.

In the meantime, I have this bit of unfortunate news. There is a certain individual in Chicago, Illinois who has been harassing, threatening, and stalking me in a Cleveland-based online news forum. What started as a minor disagreement, then escalated into a pissing match, then a flame war, has now turned into an all-out crusade against me, and it's gone beyond petty and annoying and crossed into the surreal.

On the other hand, I have a stalker. Does this mean I've arrived?

I have so many other things to deal with right now...I so don't have the time OR energy for him.



At 15:38, Blogger Neil said...

chad so sorry to hear your news... i am feeling for you mate, but know that a Cleveland boy, even one as senistive and gentle as yourself, will get through and make 2005 your year...

keep smiling and having fun...

and ignore the bastards that have nothing better in their lives to pester such a warm caring individual like yourself, imagine how sad his life is.


At 16:14, Blogger rich said...

chin up kid, it only gets better from here.

At 16:44, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm. I've read Chad's blog off and on, and have never commented before, but I just have to say something here. What bothers me about Chad's account of his alleged "stalker" from Chicago is that we're only getting a chance to hear Chad's side of the story. Well, to every story there are always two sides. Shouldn't Chad, in fairness, allow this other person the chance to tell HIS side? Perhaps it was all just a misunderstanding or something? But it sounds like this Chad is not going to do that, and just expects us to take his word for it.


At 19:15, Blogger Chox said...

In response to "Wanda" above,

Hi Dan. How are you? I figured you'd pull some stunt like that. Didn't I tell you to stay away from my blog?

There is no real "side" here, except that my "stalker" has been particularly vicious to me, and I got vicious back. I'd really rather not go into this, but I will.

In a nutshell:

"ChicagoBoi" has been steadily alienating people for the past few years on on this one particular cleveland.com forum. I remained an "ally" if you may, until recently. ChicagoBoi decided to start speculating on my personal life, and then started voicing his opinions, then revealing some very personal things about me on the cleveland.com forum. I finally got tired of his antics, and called him on it.

As a result, he's gotten nastier and nastier, and more and more vicious. Now, one thing people continually do is underestimate just how much of a vicious cuntbitch I can be if provoked. And he provoked me. Now, I may not have always taken the high road and stooped to perhaps a lower level than I should have in response, but I stand by everything I've ever said.

Now, ChicagoBoi and I have shared some personal information about each other, simply because I felt sorry for him when he was going through a horrible time in his life, and tried to reach out and give him some advice when he was going through his horrible personal tribulations. Proving no good deed goes unpunished, this has bitten me in the ass, and I wish I had never reached out to him, as he's proven to be absolutely nothing like the person I thought he was.

And "Wanda" dear, if you, I'm sorry, ChicagoBoi or perhaps, "Ann Corvair" wants to tell his side of the story, then he can start his own blog, can't he? It's my blog, I've given my side of the story, and if anyone is interested, then you can start your own blog and bleat on, yourself. I haven't said anything personally disparaging against you, even if you've said some particularly nasty things about me, this blog, my family, my parents, and has made rude public speculations about my personal life in another public online venue.

I'd like it to just stop, and stop NOW.

To be honest, I say enough is enough, and I'd rather just not ever have anything to do with you ever again, and leave it at that.

I've said it before, and I've said it now:

Just Walk Away. Leave now. Don't ever speak to or acknowledge me again. I have very little drama in my life, and I'd like to keep it that way. The last thing I need is some unbalanced queen from Chicago messing with me and throwing heaps of negavity my way when all I want to do is live my life and mind my own business.

I wash my hands of this.

At 19:24, Blogger Lee said...

Sorry to hear/read of your relationship ending but it looks like you're handling it in the best way. And sorry to hear of the stalker as well.

At 19:48, Blogger Josie said...

I'm sorry to hear that Chad. Cry it out, and allow yourself time to heal. Seek comfort in that people love you for who you are, and this too, shall pass.

You are one of the sweetest people around in this world who cares; and such a lovely person like you with your talents and rich emotional landscape will thrive on grounds where people avoid because they're scared.

You are one of a kind, and dun let anyone or anything take that away from you. Cheer up, the rainbow after the storm awaits.

At 19:51, Blogger wah said...

hope you feel better soon.
mmm, pasta sounds great right now.

At 20:01, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I guess Chad has shown us all who he really is. In his mind, his "version" of the truth is the only one that matters. Everyone is to be deprived of hearing both sides and making up their own minds.


At 20:04, Blogger Chox said...

You tell 'em Wanda/Dan.

Have a good night, 'k? Oh, and stay away from my blog, okay?

At 21:58, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chad, who's Dan? (I'm Wanda.) Anyway, Chad, your allegations just don't ring true. Out of curiosity, I Googled "ChicagoBoi" and found lots and lots of hits for Cleveland.com. I went thru the list and read them. There was a lot of interesting stuff there but I didn't find anything nasty or alienating in them like you said. Are you sure you're not mistaken?


At 22:26, Blogger Chox said...

Wanda, if you're not Dan, then I'm mistaken, welcome to my blog, thanks for reading, commenting, and please accept my apology. Most of the nasty posts have been long-deleted by the moderator. If he wants to tell his side of the story, then so be it. Personally, I'd like to just let it all slide, and forget it all happened. Life is too short, and I am too busy, to worry about it. I have nothing bad to say about Dan; I wish him the best of health, happiness, and prosperity. I wish he'd go his way, and I'll go mine.


If you ARE Dan, then...please...PLEASE...leave me alone.

At 22:49, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chad, maybe I'm out of line here, but you said something above that jumped out at me:

"Now, one thing people continually do is underestimate just how much of a vicious cuntbitch I can be if provoked. And he provoked me. Now, I may not have always taken the high road and stooped to perhaps a lower level than I should have in response..."

Could that have anything to do with why this conflict escalated? Could it be partly your fault, Chad? Might you not have provoked as well? Did you learn anything from that?


At 23:21, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chad - "Wanda" certainly has some issues, that's for certain. I can't imagine the sad and deplorable life "she" leads. There's an amazing, inspired world out there beyond "her" computer and for "her" to be so very focused on you and your amazing blog seems at the very least a bit irrational. Perhaps "she" needs a REAL hobby. Those of us out here who find value in your words and experiences via your blog have pretty much had enough of this "Wanda" -- you're right, "she" should simply fade away... perhaps into oblivion. You don't need her, and frankly, neither does the rest of respectful society.

At 23:45, Blogger Mariana said...

Chad, I'm so sorry to hear about your heart break. I did think it was curious that when you told us you were so sick that your boyfriend wasn't there for you, in your hour of need. Whatever the reasons for the break-up, just remember you're a great guy and you'll find the right person for you, OK?

As for your "stalker" we are talking about someone just on the internet, right? Not stalking you for real in real life? I don't go to messageboards where they let that sort of person harass and bully others -- and now you see for yourself why. Bad moderators and bads sites should be left to be slowly consumed by trolls and die.

The great thing about having a personal blog is that YOU have the control, you get to be the moderator, and use your own judgment of what type of behaviour is and isn't allowed. If this guy has followed you all the way here, or someone who thinks and acts just like him, why not simply delete his posts? You don't him anything and talking to him won't accomplish anything. It hasn't accomplished anything, as you've seen for yourself. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I do in my blog.

Just my opinion. I hope you're alright, hugs.

At 01:29, Blogger krenneke said...

This post touched me very much.
I won't speculate on the break-up.
The stalker story and Wanda pissed me off. She is serious as she was talking on some political debate (let's listen to the other side). There is no need to listen to other sides in a personal (and public) problem like this. If Chad is threatened and harassed by this person, he needs support and understanding. Not the pseudo-democratic ethics.
I hope you'll feel great again very soon, Chad...

At 08:52, Blogger Kiks said...

My, as much as I enjoy bitchslapping and catfighting, I don't want either my friends or someone as sweet as you to be involved in something like this. Screw that Dan guy/Wanda girl/Who ever (Did anyone else realize that the word "Dan" is in "Wanda"?)

You're a gorgeous person outside but more so inside.
La Vita e Bella ~ La vie est belle ~ Das Leben ist schön

Don't forget that.

At 09:05, Blogger JayMaster said...

Hey Chad - only been following the blog for a couple of months so I don't know a lot about your ex. Hope it is going OK, 'breakin up is hard to do', but you seem good with the situation. Keep smiling. Jay x

At 17:30, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sorry about the breakup. I hope things get better soon.


At 17:38, Blogger Michael said...

Hey Chad. I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. Hope you feel better.

At 21:44, Blogger Knottyboy said...

First...Huggs my boy. Doors close and open all the time, and your eyes were open during this painful change. Bless ya buddy its hard, but as I've learned its for the making of a better man.

Second...as in the words of Phil Hartman's impression of Bill Clinton..."I feel your pain". Ugly shit with a capital F. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

At 05:08, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know about you but I think your stalker is damned annoying.

At 10:09, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wanda is full of shit. I googled chicagoboi and found one reference on cleveland.com which led to a blank page. It should too. Chicagoboi had all his troll names deleted from cleveland.com due to the volume of complaints about him and his venomous spewing of hatred.

At 10:56, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, you're wrong. The reason you got a blank page is that very old posts still show up on Google long after they've dropped out of the Cleveland.com archives. Cleveland.com only maintains so much bandwidth.

At 12:19, Blogger Jase said...

Sorry to hear about your breakup. xo.

At 14:06, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Wanda/Dan/ChicagoBoi, will you just go away already and leave Chad in peace? Who cares who started who, or wants to hear "your side" of the story? I've been following this whole debacle from a safe distance, and it's safe to say that Chad is handling your erratic and stalkerish behaviour in stride. On behalf of everyone who reads his blog (and I'm sure Chad would back me up on this), will you just go play a game of Hide and Go Fuck Yourself? This is his space, not yours, and he will call the shots here. Take your nonsensical shrieking elsewhere. Then get some professional help.


At 15:11, Anonymous Anonymous said...

^^ Hey you,

Why don't you stand behind your words by signing your name?

At 15:19, Blogger Chox said...

Boi, please...just go away and don't ever come back here. You are not welcome, and I'm tired of you trying to start flame wars here. This is NOT the Chatterbox, this is my personal website, and this needs to stop.


I don't care if someone signs their name or not...that's why I have anonymous posts enabled. I've been thinking about disabling them, but a lot of non-Blogger users post here, and it's easier for me to just let them say hello without having to create a Blogger account.

Don't ever leave a comment again, and I'd prefer you just forget this URL even exists. Leave me in peace, and for god's sake, get some professional help.

At 18:37, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chad, honey. Sorry to hear about Chris. Just know that you are one hot dude who is very sweet, cultured, and fun to be with. The perfect one is out there for you. . . . I'm sure of it.

As for the boi, it speaks volumes about the looneytoon that he chose to attack your personal blog, especially on this particular entry. I've been telling him for years that he gives Chicago a bad name. Unfortunately for you, you are everything that he wants so desperately to be . . .suave and cool.

Btw, "Wanda" is a strange moniker for him to choose. It's a very traditional Baptist sounding name for someone who is a born again Wiccan. LOL!

Big Hug!

At 22:57, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just another note to say that I wish each of you the best in life. I'm certain it's rough right now...but it will get easier with time. I applaude those that always know when it's time to part and say good bye.

I hope Karma hurries up and deals with the dorks that continue to harrass you!




At 06:44, Blogger Sin said...

If you have a stalker, you have officially arrived. It does not, however, mean that you have to stay ;) After my third stalker, I wound up changing domain names and fleeing like the wind. Now? Now I just ignore them.


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